Where do I start with this post?

Well . . . let’s start with what I am thinking, and it will lead to why I’m thinking the way I am.

Objective, goal, life purpose, whatever you want to call it, is perhaps the hardest thing to gain clarity for those of us lucky enough to be able to give it a priority.

For me, it is something I have struggled with since completing my PhD and came to America. There have been ups and downs, but it has been faltering to get to this point.

And maybe it is meant to be that way.

Presently there is no north star, no PhD, no new life in a new location, no dream home. Those things are either done, or do not motivate me.

Is it because I am waiting for what’s next?

That next is to start my own business, in what I am not clear. Therefore, my instinct is to delay, to find out more.

I joined a start-up and learned that success is a long circuitous path, and many start-ups do not end up the way they started out.

I know I just need to start something. And it is that ‘something’ that was holding me back because I was scared that whatever I created would fail.

I realize mentally and emotionally that failure is par for the course. But I thought failure was the moment where you tear up and start once more with a blank sheet of paper.

It was that blank sheet that scared me.

Instead, I learned that failure is not an end it is an evolution. The moment you strip away at what is not working to reveal a kernel of value that you have created.

That kernel is the jumping off point for the next development, and then iterate, iterate, iterate, until that value morphs into a successful business.

So why not just start?

It is a great question, and if I had to answer it now, I would say it is security, security that I don’t have enough that is tangible to build upon.

But why should it hold me back?

Previously, my thinking was in line with a side-hustle. I would be working on something on the side until I start generating an income and gradually reduce my work commitments until the income from my side-hustle is enough for me to go full-time.

However, I am not heading in that direction. I want to create something that has value, that will attract investment and grow. It does not fit the side-hustle model.

In that case. I ask myself again, why not just start?

That brings us to my current situation. You will know I joined a tech start-up to learn how tech companies are created.

In the past three months, what I saw allowed my perspective to shift.

However, while my new job has been a great opportunity to observe a start-up from the inside. It became clear I was in the wrong role with little opportunity for growth and innovation. I did not see that changing, so . . .

I quit.

Yes, after three months I handed in my notice. It is something I never done before. I always managed to settle, contribute, and become an essential member of the team.

Now, I bet you are all now shouting at me, why don’t you just start! I know, I know. But, it does not seem I am heading in that direction.

Why?

It is a good question and one I am asking myself. But it comes with other questions, like am I passionate about what I am working on? Do I have enough passive income to survive during the initial phase of my start-up?

The answer to those questions is not yet.

I am edging closer, but I don’t feel secure, and I still feel there is money to be made for me, and while I am in Silicon Valley I may as well earn it.

There are people who come to Silicon Valley with much less and build start-ups. And I am aware of the adage by Kevin Leary:

“A salary is what they give you to give up on your dreams”

Therefore, at this point, If I do take another job, it will be my last job. If not, I will never start.

Also, I learned something else through this experience. I quit when I am bored and under-utilized. I moan when I am overly busy, under pressure and working long hours.

The first scenario is worse than the latter. I must quit moaning because being busy and contributing is the state where I do my best work.

My moaning comes from expectation that I won’t achieve my objectives. I need to get more comfortable at this, and this is going to be my goal for my new job.

My goal is to not let failures or perceived judgments place unnecessary weight on my shoulders.

Enjoy being busy, enjoy delivering goals and innovate. If I do this then, it will benefit me when I move forward.

Also, I cannot let this negative fear drive me on, my motivation needs to be internal and positive. It will be the key to be able to persevere at my start-up and sustain me through.

Let’s see how this turns out . . . until next time.