I read a lot of self-development books. They provide inspiration for many of the articles on this blog. A synthesis of both my own thoughts and the authors into a coherent understanding.

Recently, they have not been my main literary consumption. Eager to expand my writing and draw influence from further afield. I have incorporated a range of fiction books into my reading list. The result, in the short term, reduced content output.

Longer term, as I hone my reading preferences. I hope they are able to supplement my thinking and in turn my writing. As I focus on books that reflect the reality I am interested in, human relationships, growth, and meaning.

There were books such as “Ducks, Newburyport” by Lucy Ellmann introducing an Ohioan mother of four, and her anxious self-commentary about the environment, politics, as well as dwelling upon past relationships and health scares. All articulated in a one sentence marathon. Juxtaposing this tale, was the carnal joy, pain and yearning of a young mountain lion mother in search of her cubs. The mother, pure and connected to the moment, in total acceptance of her nature that drives her on in her search.

I recognized myself in Lucy’s character, ruminating on the past, or daydreaming about my future, once I have achieved a certain milestone. My thoughts cut adrift so when I feel joy, I intellectualize it, or in the case of pain, I use my energy to reject it. Never experiencing the moment for what it is. It was as if Lucy’s character was the personification of Alan Watt’s musings in his book ‘The Wisdom of Insecurity: A Message for an Age of Anxiety’ where he urges us to be more like the mountain lion and feel wholeheartedly the ebb and flow of our emotions.

It was in the moment, a brief lull in my internal chatter that the purpose of meditation became clear to me. As if, mindlessly looking out from a moving train observing the hedgerows drift by, a spark of understanding ignited. Prior to this moment, being told to focus on my breath and to reject the thoughts that enter my head was too abstract. Now it makes sense, it is a way to connect to the feeling self, free of the intermediary chatter that is often placed between the mind and the body. And so, you are able to become more present and connected with everyday experiences.

Meditating is not the only way to become connected with the feeling self. Many times, in unpleasant situations, I try to reject my pain. Now, I acknowledge it, and permit myself to feel without placing labels upon it. In so doing, my body absorbs the pain and the tension ceases.

This acceptance of my feelings allows me to overcome any psychological pain associated with a task and set to work on it. For the moment a task is started, or a situation is begun to be addressed, the murkiness surrounding it slowly clears and a path begins to reveal itself.

In moments of stress, often the thinking self and the feeling self are in conflict. As a result, judgment of consequences is impaired. The number of times, I have gone to bed fretting about unsolved problems or missed deadlines. Only to find on waking I see the issue in a new light and with renewed hope.

Therefore, my advice is to work on accepting your feelings, no matter how unpleasant. Try to connect with it at an emotional level. Go for a walk to allow feelings to settle and become familiar. It is amazing what the body is able to tolerate.

Once you have come to terms with your pain then the thinking brain can engage and deal with the tasks that are within your control. Trusting that the mere act of doing will help you understand more.

It is while I was thinking about this concept of acceptance that I was reading the short story collection by Ted Chiang, “Exhalation”. One of the stories compared the evolution of technologies used to record human events, from the written word, to in the near future the concept of life logging. This is where, search and video technology has evolved to the stage where the entire recording of your life can be stored and indexed ready for immediate recall either on command, by the words in your conversation, or at the prompt by a friend.

Our memories are ultimately fallible, prone to mis-remember facts, be suppressed or malleable to the point where we can rewrite events to fit a story that allow us to live with ourselves. These foibles of the mind, rightly or wrongly, allow us to function in the present moment to varying degrees of success. However, if events are able to be replayed in precise detail, this would cause us to dwell on the past over and over again. Becoming more concerned about the precision of the events, rather than the emotions surrounding the event.

We are already in the age of technology that distracts us from being present. Ted’s story highlighted how this can evolve to not only distract, but to offer up clips that you can relive over and over again stuck in a perpetual past, constantly having to re-accept and come to terms with past events. How can we forgive in this scenario? How can we find room for new feelings?

We have to be careful with what we choose to fill our life with. At the moment, I choose to fill my life with books, they allow me to actively engage with the moment, rather than to passively scroll. It is in the moment I am free of the past and no longer chasing an eternal tomorrow that forever eludes. It is where I find calm, free from labels, free from expectation and in connection with my feeling self.