I want to talk about my emotions. 

Why? Recently, I have not been composed or rational. 

In the past, I prided myself as being diplomatic, able to deal with tense situations. To withhold my own emotions, providing space in which to navigate a difficult situation. 

Recently, I am not willing to control the reaction to what I am feeling and in stressful situations I defend my position. 

Defensive is opposite to the open position I usually take, acknowledging problems where they exist regardless of blame.

What changed?

I am insecure. I believe that colleagues have seen I am not working as hard as I could. Leading me to take the stance that requests for progress are criticism of my effort or ability.

In the past, feelings of judgment about my abilities or work ethic were common. As a result, I out worked people, reacting to every e-mail ensuring all issues were addressed and my insecurities were protected.

In the workplace, I gained the awareness to acknowledge my feelings and not let them control my reactions. Today, the awareness is still present but my willingness to restrain myself is not.

Why?

Self-awareness and restraint are different things. In times, of stress being able to control my reactions is harder, especially because I think I have something further to hide. I am questioning my willingness to pull out all the stops to get things done.

I know I need to leave the email unanswered or take a step back in a conversation. However, when there is an underlying stress, I am much less willing to hold back. I hit the send button and it is done.

What has been causing stress?

Travelling for work. It has increased my feeling of discomfort, taking calls at inconvenient times with a bad connection in uncomfortable surroundings.

It has also affected my motivation to run which is important for my mindset. After a run, I feel a sense of peace which improves my general sense of wellbeing. However, overcoming the inertia to get to the hotel treadmill has been difficult.

Routine, being away from home, I give myself a free pass to eat badly, exercise when I feel like it and suspend my writing practice. This interrupts my flow, increasing my feeling of unease in stressful situations.

Having discipline, provides me with the agency to choose how I react.

Acknowledging and addressing these insights will make be better able to deal with stressful situations. But how can I begin the process to ease these feelings of judgment?

Feeling judged, comes from thinking I have something to hide. That email or comment in a meeting can bring it into the open. I have to defend to keep the wolf from the door.

I have been defensive my whole life to stop the world from uncovering who I am. There is a lot going on underneath the surface, but is there not with us all?

The point is, it is better to be vulnerable. To open up and tell your manager – it has been a stressful few weeks. Often, their response will be supportive. It can change your perception and lift your feelings. It is better than suffering in darkness.

Finally, I should not judge people by my own flaws. If I am feeling judged, it does not mean the other person is judging me. Instead of withdrawing, I should ask how they might be feeling. The answer will not be the same as the initial reaction. They might be scared, stressed, etc.

When we feel attacked, disrespected, or let down by someone. The first thing to do is to suspend your judgement and look internally to see what it lurking. Then assess the situation afresh and look into the other person. Have the humility to open up and talk, it is how to prevent misunderstanding and escalating emotions for no reason other than our own.