For better or for worse, I am always reading these days. It is good because it is a better-quality habit than sitting back and watching YouTube. Viewing reading as a positive habit, I often use it as a trade-off not to do other more active pursuits such as exercising or in particular writing.

Reading and writing complement each other, and I must work harder to achieve a better balance between them. For instance, there are many times, I come across a quote or paragraph that captures my imagination. I may make a note of it or take a picture of the page.

Mentally, I think to myself “I must remember to apply this lesson” or “I must think about that concept more”. After, I will mull it over but then comes sleep and the next day the spark of inspiration that was ignited in me dissolves, to be replaced by a nagging sense of losing something important.

Life moves on, and if concepts or lessons are not acted upon they fade, and that brief moment is lost forever as if I had never learned about those lessons at all.

This is where writing comes in. It is the medium through which I can synthesize my thoughts and turn them into principles which I can apply. In so doing, the learning from others turns into learning about yourself.

It is this process that allowed me to internalize a blind spot of mine which I uncovered reading ‘Already Free’by Bruce Tift. My blind spot is associated with vulnerability and how I project it onto others because I do not want to acknowledge it within myself.

I regard myself as independent, responsible and claim ownership over my own issues. I am a rock immune to the wind, rain and the elements around me. However, every so often, someone comes along that likes to feel those elements, spontaneously dancing in the rain and after a while takes interest in me, the rock, and likes to use me as their support.

This sense of connection I have rarely found in my life. When I do, I allow myself to break free of the shackles to feel their warmth and observe their playful nature. It brings an excitement to my life, that I enjoy being leant on, I enjoy being pushed downhill and settling in a new place with an open outlook having this new love dancing beside me.

But after a while, I revert to type, making changes on my own terms stoically becoming resistant to not only the wind and the rain. But this new person leaning up against me giving more care and attention than I ever deserve.

The dynamic of rolling through the fields of life together, me offering support and them offering excitement, breaks. In its place a new cycle develops of them reaching out and being met with withdrawal.

I come to view the spontaneity and connecting energy of my partner as creating too much disturbance. I ultimately view myself as bumping up against an energy source that is too dependent and against the values of self-reliance I hold firm.

I do not want to acknowledge that I am the one that is dependent and vulnerable. Instead, this new script plays out where I get the attention I need, while at the same time being able to be critical, telling my partner “Why do you always need to lean up against me?”, “Why do you want to roll down that hill with me?”. The more this ritual is played out the more painful it gets for both involved until the relationship ends.

Looking back, I have seen this cycle repeat, it just that I was blind to it. The strategy must have worked for me at some point in my past as a way of coping. But as an adult, the strategy is doing more harm than good.

I am not in a relationship at the moment, so I reflected about the other types of relationships in my life to see if this internal script is being played out elsewhere.

At work, I often work hard to become needed or accepted. Then complain that I am busy because people keep requesting things and I put myself in positions of project success or failure. And so, I set up this perpetual cycle of busyness to enable me to embody my unacknowledged dependent self in my colleagues.

This leads to a fundamental weakness where I say to myself “why do they need my support?” or “Can’t they be just like me and be more independent, they always need help”. This makes me fearful of mistakes, as it will break the script that is being played. It can’t possibly be me that is the one that they perceive as vulnerable and needs to be helped out.

In my current role, I am put in a position where I have so many projects, that they will inevitably go through cycles of failure. For the first eighteen months this was unbearable for me, a lot of pain was experienced as I fought to get my projects on track and hold everything together.

Problems were always something to be feared, and I always tried to solve them before anyone noticed, so in a way any mistakes I made never really existed. As a result, relief rather than reflection was my main reaction when things deescalated, and so I would not learn to see what I would do different next time around.

What I have learned about having failing projects, is that in such a fast-moving environment. No one cares for the reasoning for why the problem existed. What people actually appreciate is those who take responsibility, exhibit leadership and course correct to get the project back on track.

I only learned this through a combination of action, education and reflection. At work, or in your own personal life it is ok to be vulnerable, it is ok to make mistakes. What is not ok is if you run away from them or project your vulnerabilities onto others. Lean into the discomfort and don’t be afraid to take action. Through action you learn, and you don’t fall back into withdrawal or outdated internal scripts. Keep persisting, it is the way to make your own life and those around you better.